Rated Rated PG-13 for sequences of intense action violence. (I actually agree with this one. Creepy, huh?)

Directed by Sam Raimi

Written by Sam Raimi, Ivan Raimi, & Alvin Sargent (Screenplay) Stan Lee, Steve Ditko (Creators)

Starring Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst, James Franco, Thomas Hayden Church, Topher Grace, Rosemary Harris, J.K. Simmons, Elizabeth Banks, Bryce Dallas Howard, & of course the mandatory Stan Lee cameo, Bruce Campbell & Ted Raimi (It’s just not a Sam Raimi film without those 2 guys)

I’m gonna be generous on this one & give out 3 doughnuts, I can justify it by saying that the action sequences alone are worth 3 doughnuts. (Yeah, that’s right, here it goes)

I should have known better last night. I’m looking at my calendar now, it reads “Friday May 4th 2007”. I look out my window, nice bright sunny spring day. I step outside, smells like spring too. I should have asked myself that question that I was ignoring. The one that was screaming in the back of my head ever since I first saw the date on the trailer. The question of, “WTF IS A SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER DOING COMING OUT IN THE BEGINNING OF MAY???” I should’ve trusted my instincts, but no, I had to go to the 12:01 screening so I could go to sleep feeling like a fool for believing the hype.

IMHO the whole reason for the early release is that the Sony doesn’t believe that Peter Parker can run with the big dogs returning this summer. The returning big dogs being Shrek, Captain Jack Sparrow, Danny Ocean, John McClane, Jason Bourne, Harry Potter, & Homer Simpson. (Yes, I know Homer isn’t exactly returning to the big screen this summer, but the Simpsons have been on TV so long you can measure it in generations now, so it’s a VERY familiar face coming onto the screen.) Anyway, I think they might be right.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think the movie sucks. I think the movie was adequate. Unfortunately, that is not considered a good word to see in a review.

Adequate: adjective
  1.Sufficient to satisfy a requirement or meet a need. 
  2.Barely satisfactory or sufficient.

I’m not sure which one of the definitions applies. Unfortunately, the first Spider-Man was Amazing, the Second one was Spectacular, but to be honest with you I would never have purchased a comicbook called “the Adequate Spider-Man”

My main problem with the film was that I kept seeing the producer’s(s) hands in the film. I hate seeing the producers hand (I bitched about that for the Phantom Menace, so I sure as hell am gonna bitch about it here & now. It’s only fair) When a producer does their job right, you can’t tell that they were even involved in the film. (Godfather 1&2) That’s the sign of a good producer. In this one there were so many coincidences that it made the whole thing seemed contrived.

Contrived: adjective, obviously planned or forced; artificial; strained: a contrived story.

This is another word you don’t want to see in a review. I don’t like it when I see films that are contrived, no wait, I do. I just don’t like paying $9.50 for a film that feels like I’m seeing 3 movies that were jammed together to try to make some sort of mutant gestalt of a movie that ends up being bigger than it should be. Bigger isn’t always better, this is Spider-Man, not porn. The movie feels like the producers were actually trying to make it as difficult as possible for there to be a sequel made (A big possibility, When production started on this, the license was supposed revert to Marvel & they were supposed to make Spidey 4, 5, & 6. Is this true? I have no idea, but I hope it is. Because Sony already announced that they are now making 4, 5, & 6. If all of this were true, then in an amazing display of corporate flexibility, the Sony Corporation will have managed to bite its own ass & that will make me ROTFLMFAO as well as PMSL. Granted, this is just wishful thinking.)

Seriously though, the plot to “Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theatres” had a more cohesive plot & way smaller plot holes. (It actually caused me pain to have to type that.)

Now for the individual reviews

Sam Raimi did a great job directing, despite the fact that it looks like his hands were tied. This Spider-Man movie really raised the bar when it comes to action sequences for the franchise. Good Job Sam. The action sequences were spectacular. The rest of the movie looked like a lot of things were forced on him that he didn’t want. For example, there’s a rumor that he really didn’t want to use Venom in this film & that he really doesn’t like the character. I don’t know if this is true or not, but if it is, it explains a lot.

James Franco is back as Harry Osborne. I heard many people complain about his acting after 1 & 2. Well, I have to disappoint you again; he didn’t bring his a game this time either. He brought his A+ game. He actually managed to act circles around Tobey Maguire this time around. He really gave an impressive performance.

Thomas Hayden Church played the Sandman. He looks like he stepped out of a Steve Ditko comic panel. When I first saw him in the Sandman shirt & pants I thought that he was genetically modified to look like Steve had drawn him. Church put in a spectacular performance. By far this is the most intriguing character that has been introduced so far in the series, and he was woefully underused. He was a different type of villain. Unlike the Green Goblin, whose goal was the utter destruction of those who opposed him, or Doctor Octopus’s devotion to soulless science no matter what the cost, Sandman’s goal was actually pretty noble. Hell, this is the first Spidey movie villain I felt I could split a pitcher of beer & a double order of wings with. I don’t want to say anymore, I don’t wanna give away spoilers.

To Topher Grace: I am sorry dude, I owe you an apology. I didn’t think you could pull off Venom. You proved me wrong. I owe you one. Tell you what dude, the next film you are in, I’m giving it the highest rating I can & I won’t trash talk it. Okay? I mean it. Topher was a believable Eddie Brock & very creepy Venom. Unfortunately he got screwed. The Eddie Brock/Alien Symbiote subplot deserved a full movie before introducing Venom. Venom deserved his own film; he should have been the lead villain. He has been THE only Spider-Man adversary not created by Stan & Steve to truly bring fans running back to the book (I know Todd MacFarlane takes credit for his creation, did he actually create him though, somebody look that up for me please) The whole Venom storyline seemed rushed & contrived (See Above) Which is a shame.

The movie itself focuses more on Peter Parker than it does on Spider-Man or the bad guys. If you like Peter, this is the movie for you. It has more Peter than a gay porn video. Tobey did his usual good job playing Pete & Spidey. No more, no less.

Kirsten Dunst & Bryce Dallas Howard. After Spider-Man came out, I commented on how Kirsten was playing a character called Mary Jane Watson, but was acting more like Gwen Stacy. Now to set things straight, Bryce is playing a character named Gwen Stacey, but acting like Mary Jane Watson. (Call Alanis Morrisette, I need to check if that’s ironic) Either way, I’m done with MJ; she is as boring and whiney as the original Gwen Stacey.

BTW, this is my favorite Bruce Campbell cameo to date.

It isn’t a bad movie, but it is unfortunately a mediocre one. It is better than a bad episode of Heroes, but a good episode of Heroes would kick this movies ass (like last week’s, when Hiro meets himself 5 years in the future for example). I think that’s my problem, maybe Heroes raised that bar for me when it comes to my expectations of a superhero film and I don’t have to pay $9.50 (& wait in a line full of dudes wearing the T-shirt of the movie they are waiting in line to see) to see Heroes. I don’t even have to pay my cable bill to watch it. It’s free! Maybe Heroes has spoiled me. But maybe not.

But on the other hand, I gave Ghost Rider 5 doughnuts & I admit there that the movie was a turd. Yeah, but Ghost rider is a crappy movie that is just as crappy as the comicbook it is based on & to me, that makes it a good adaptation, it fits. Spider-Man 3 is an adequate movie based on some really good comicbooks, that don’t fit. Ghost Rider was fun to watch, Spidey on the other hand… The action was fun, but there were parts of the movie that felt like they were actual work to sit through. My A.D.D. is still pissed at Sam Raimi for that.

One Final Note:
To: the guy in the theatre lobby who announced “I could $h!t a better movie!” Were you complaining about the quality of the film you saw, or bragging about the film making talents of your sphincter? Because in all honesty, the movie wasn’t that bad. Spider-Man 3 in no way sucked ass. (I bet they will never use that quote on the movie poster.)